Samantha Favreau

Everything in my life has changed over the last year, and will continue to change drastically over the next few months. As of today I have officially left my college and moved all of my belongings back home to Maine. I refuse to live in this house for multiple reasons so I don’t really have a place to live for the summer. Come fall I’m moving to Providence and getting an apartment with my friend Haley. Hopefully I’ll be going back to school down there.

I’ve noticed that over the last year, I’ve changed for the worst. I got involved in things I shouldn’t have, and lost sight of who I am and who I want to be. I let substances, “friends” and my insecurities take over my life. So, now it’s time to change for the better. I’ve stopped doing the things that tore me down, and started taking my medication again. I started eating regularly and trying to get up every day and get something done. I tried to cut the people out of my life that weren’t real friends and now I’m trying to get back my old ones. I tend to push people away who really care, because I have a hard time believing that anyone would actually want to be my friend and that they might not leave me. I run away from everything in my life that scares me or could possibly hurt me. So, I used to surround myself from people that meant nothing to me, and disappear from everyone who mattered so I could just ignore my problems and not have to trust anyone, be vulnerable, or open to anyone.

I don’t feel like I’ve been living the last year of my life. I barely remember the last two semesters at college. I just self destructed until I couldn’t do it anymore. I want it back. More than anything. I want my old friends who actually cared, who meant something to me, and who I could be myself around. I going to be who I used to be. Except less insecure, less scared, and more trusting and willing to just open up and be myself. And if people don’t like who I am, then they don’t need to be my friend. I’m in a stable relationship, and I have a friend stable friends. I may not have a place to stay or a job right now. But mentally, I’m doing better.

I try to live my life without regrets or mistakes. They’re not mistakes, they are experiences that make you who you are and help you grow. I’ve made plenty of “mistakes” and fucked up basically every aspect of my life. But I’ve realized this, so hopefully I can grow from this and not let the past effect me anymore. I can just try to be the best me I can be, and be a better friend and just a better person in general. I wish that I hadn’t done a lot of the things I’ve done in my life, but if that were true, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I wouldn’t be able to become the person I want to be.

I’m only human, people make mistakes. And yes, people can change.

That I’ve been really happy lately.
And that I’m finally becoming the person I want to be.
Maybe I’ll stop disappearing.

April 21st, I’m leaving school in Boston, and am looking for a place to live in Providence/Boston are for a month or so. If you hear of anything, let me know.